She told me to build my dream

It’s important before going any further about this dream that she told me to build...that I point out who “she” is.  She is a particularly profound “she” in my life.  An unexpected and unplanned “she”.  Some may say the kind of “she” that most women dread.  Yes, this “she” is my ex-husband, my babies daddy wife.  My children’s step-mom.

12 years ago when the painful decision of divorce was made, I had no idea the roller coaster that lie ahead.  I was a young emotional mother of 2 very little ones.  I was certain of very little, other than my staunch dedication to my babies. I was prepared to do ANYTHING to give those two kids the very best life possible.  I would love them with everything I was.  I would work tirelessly to see that they had all they needed to grow into strong, loving, capable people.  I would equip them with whatever they needed to have the opportunity to be the best versions of themselves that they could be.  I was a bubbly fun young lady, bu when it came to being a mother, I was a fierce mama bear ready to take on the world to raise them well and protect them from danger.

The good news was, I was naïve enough to think I knew it all.  The bad news was, I was naïve enough to think I knew it all.  The truth was, I had no idea what was in store for me and life as it so often does, proceeded to have its way with me.  Looking back now, I’m grateful for the ways God allowed my pride and my white knuckled grip over my independence and autonomy to be broken….but my gosh, you couldn’t pay me to go back and live those lessons all over.

I didn’t know then that I would feel so overwhelmed by every little and big decision required in the day to day of raising children.  I didn’t know the pain I would feel when my kids weren’t with me and were celebrating events or traveling, even to other countries without me, their mother, right there with them.  I didn’t know how scary junior high orientation and first days of high school would be.  I didn’t know how ashamed and insecure I would feel that my kids were part of the dreaded divorce statistic when I socialized with other school mothers who seemed to have it all together and who did it all “right”.   I didn’t know then the countless sleepless nights and floods of tears that would flow when my daughter rebelled hard against anything good in life.   I didn’t know then that I would make mistakes myself and experience the torture and heartbreak of wondering how badly my mistakes would mess up my children.  I didn't know the thrill that awaited of watching my daughter overcome her hardships and stand on stage and perform to the applause of hundreds of people or how proud I would be at her high school graduation. I didn’t know that my kids, no matter how much I spoke into their lives, how passionately I loved them were still their own people and had their own wills and would grow up to make their own choices….even bad ones.  I didn’t know how terrified and helpless I would feel in the emergency room afraid for my sons life.

I didn't know it was her hand I would reach for in all of those moments or that it would be her hand to feel so powerfully soothing.

I didn’t know that "she" was a one of God's most powerful provisions in my life.

She, the woman society will tell you is the “enemy”…a threat that should be neither trusted or embraced.  But why?  Why must this person automatically be categorized negatively?  Why must we label and create images of our ex or their partners in a negative way?  My immediate thought (excluding experiences of abuse or other extenuating painful circumstances)  is that we must make them bad for us to be good.  It’s the unfortunate framework many of us choose…we cast judgement on them to feel better about ourselves.  I mean I don’t but I know ya’ll do, right?

Wait, yes I do.  And so do you.  And we should stop that shit.  There is a lot of good that God desires to work through our fallen, broken situations.

When I sat watching my baby girl take her final senior bow at her final high school theater performance and emotion took over, I grabbed her hand.  We held hands as tears streamed down our both our faces as pride and happiness and sadness and joy….as it all consumed our hearts staring at this beautiful bright brilliant soul staring back at us. The girl who came back to us…who came back to life, and who now faces a bright future chuck full of opportunity.  All.The.Feels.

I reached for her hand because she’s been there nearly the whole time.  Because she too knows and feels a mothers love for my children and she too knows and feels a mothers worry over them.  She has watched them grow.  She has been at the choir concerts, soccer games, football games, theatre performances.  She’s helped get ready for homecomings and proms.  She’s been there.  She’s cared. She worries, plans and does…She loves.  She’s felt insecure and overwhelmed. She knows.  She knows what I know.  She feels what I feel.  She wants what I want…for them.

I grabbed her hand.  And she grabbed mine.

Fast forward to the moment I decided to take this leap of faith into starting a small business.  I cannot even tell you how consistently and powerfully this woman has encouraged me. She sends me random texts of support.  She’s shared resources, ideas, feedback.  As if being a trusted dependable and valued co-parent wasn’t enough, she has become a confidant, cheerleader and adviser.

This plaque she gave me sits on my mantle, reminding me daily of a powerful truth.

I didn’t plan for her, I didn’t expect her, and there was a time I feared her.  Now, I’m just blissfully grateful she is here.  I love this "she".  She is my forever friend, my forever family.  "She" is one of the many reasons I am taking this scary step of faith with this business.

Thank you, Renee.  I'm so grateful you are my "she".  

“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”

There's no Bliss in Fear

There are many things that hold us back from experiencing the happiness that God designed and desires for us.  For me, fear has always been one of the biggest of these things.  Fear of doing the wrong thing, making the wrong choice, turning out to be the wrong person, hurting when I meant to help.  So many things.  Fear has been a constant uninvited companion most of my life.  I see now not that it just held me back, often it held me hostage.  In the drivers seat, fear made my decisions and fear stole my joy.  But...it may have won some battles, but it will not win the war.  

For the last few years, I spent a lot of time feeling terrified.  Consumed with fear.  Bliss was the farthest thing from my mind.  I was 100% focused on saving my daughter.  My little girl whom I loved with my whole heart was in a dark and very bad place.  Heartbroken, young, confused, hurting.  She had trusted the wrong people and had rebelled against the ones who loved her the most.  I had spent a few years watching her decline emotionally; become lost as she tried to find her identity, and become vulnerable to those that would hurt her.  About 18 months ago, she found herself in a profound moment of pain. 

I felt helpless.  She was ensnared in a trap and instead of seeing me, her mother, as her rescuer, she saw ME as her enemy.   It seemed my words alone, no matter how selective or seasoned, gentle or graceful drove her away and toward “him”, the bad guy, the real enemy.  I couldn’t save her.  I couldn’t even reach her.  My lifelines, my rescue missions…. all my efforts to reach her came back empty, fruitless.  I felt deeply afraid and an inescapable sense of failure as her mother.  It was, the worst of times.

I laid on my bed a cried.  Like ugly cried.  Paul describes the Holy Spirit’s role in Romans as going before the Lord on our behalf with groans too deep for words.  Yup that was me.  A groaning ugly sobbing snot bubbled mess.  There was no bliss in Mud-Ville, the Mighty Mother had struck out.

What I didn’t realize at that moment was that the Holy Spirit WAS at work, right then and there, interceding on my behalf and translating my groans into words I simply couldn’t find.  As I lay there, every blood vessel in my face dilated, my vision blurry from puffy eyes, I heard it.  I heard Him.  As clear as if someone hit mute on all other sounds, including those in my head and all I could hear was “Do you trust me”?  I heard it repeatedly; over and over and over again.  Four simple words:

Do-You-Trust-Me?

And there I was: laid out bare before the Lord, my God.  The ONE I have professed to believe in.  The ONE I’ve proclaimed to place my faith in, to teach about, to follow.  I was right there before Him, sad, angry, helpless with what I imagine was a look of shock and awe on my face to realize my answer was not quite as simple and took even me by surprise.  My answer was something like “Well, apparently not! I mean No…er um, well, I want to, but I don’t know how”.   And that was the truth. I wanted to trust Him.  I desperately wanted to.  I had learned long ago that in Him there was freedom from fear, every fear.  That if we simply lay down our fears and anxieties before Him in prayer and thanksgiving that He somehow miraculously provides us with HIS peace…. peace so big it transcends our understanding. 

My head knew that was true, but my heart was far from believing that truth applied in this moment. 

You see, I had been trying for a long time to rescue her MY way and in MY time. I assigned the blame for her pain to me, and I could find no rest, peace or happiness in that.    Like a road raged maniac, I was chasing after her, setting up traps, blowing past caution lights, running through red lights, doing everything I could to keep up with her as though her seeing me do so would slow her down.  In my efforts to get in front of, around and behind anything that could cause her pain, I had not only blocked God from her path, I had reached all new heights of exhaustion and frustration.  The truth was that the only thing to slow her down or bring her to a stop was to crash.  Well crash she did, and she was hurting. My heart was broken.

 And here is what God taught me in that moment: 

1.       I am not Him.  God is God.  I am not.  

2.       He is bigger, strong, more powerful, present and wiser than I will ever be.

3.       He loves her even more than I do.  She actually belongs to HIM!

4.       He needed me to get out of his way

5.       He wanted me to learn to place my faith in Him, not myself (who knew I was THIS self-reliant?!

Easy right?  No!  NOT EASY!  God was asking me to stop my car and let her go.  What if she didn’t come back?  What if she died?  These were not answers He gave me.  But he did assure my heart that He had her in a comprehensive way that I simply could not and did not.   

As I let this truth permeate my brain, it slowly dripped right on down into my heart and I started to feel it.  I knew what I had to do.  With strength, not of my own self, I approached my girl with one message and one message only:  I love you.  You are my precious angel and I love you.  No matter what, I love you.  No matter who, what, when, where, success, failure, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS: I love you.

And healing started, not in her but in me.  As though MY car was the one that had crashed and there was a master physician tending to me and mending me daily, putting me back together piece by piece.  And my heart started to feel happiness again.  I wasn’t faking anymore when I smiled.  I cried tears of joy instead of pain.  I laughed for real.    Then this: I won’t say it happened immediately, but it did happen:  SHE CAME BACK.  

Since that time 2 distinct moments where I experienced REAL BLISS.  (Bliss defined as happiness so complete you are transported away from everything else).

1. On her 18^th birthday, she asked me to sing her to sleep with the lullaby she remembered me singing to her as a baby.  Tears, snuggles and more tears…a moment I will never forget.
2.  When I told her I had finally decided to start this business and she said “I’m so proud of you Mommy”.  Gaw!  Blissful tears

And with each step I take toward God, toward His calling, toward His freedom in my life, I am reminded that there is NO BLISS IN FEAR! 

Ladies, I encourage you to bring your fears to the Lord:  just you and Him.  Mono y mono.  Talk them out with HIM.  Ask HIM to show YOU just where and how you are afraid to trust in HIS will, work or provision in your circumstance.  And then… take your foot off the gas, take your hands off the wheel and open your heart to experience the awesomeness of a God that loves you more intimately and completely than you can possibly know. 

Be Blissed and Blessed.

Your friend,

Darcy 

God loves boutiques, too

I lost my light.  I don’t know when it happened exactly.  All I know is that when my life of busy-ness, work, kids, kids-activities, appointments, organizing, cleaning, planning, doing, going, giving and helping…. when all of that stopped and the house was empty…. I looked for my light couldn’t find it. 

It was gone, and I felt profoundly sad.  To all my fellow sisters in this life, if you feel or have ever felt this way, I invite you to my journey of exploration to discover it, clean it off, and let...it…SHINE. 

You see I’m very much like so many women out there.  I really am.  I’m 42 and by most objective measures, I have a wonderful life.  I have 2 fantastic kids: one starting college, one starting high school.  A wonderful husband who loves me well.  A successful career, fabulous network of friends, travel experiences and more. Those most basic needs have been met.  So, what on earth am I missing right? 

Well…like any living breathing human being, I’ve also had very personal yearnings in my heart.  Ideas for my life.  Visions for my happiness.  But I grew up young and life happened, as it does.  Not that there are regrets…that would be untrue, but life did happen and the focus of my yearnings shifted, appropriately.  Kids, marriage, divorce, jobs, family needs, responsibilities.  Many of my yearnings, ideas and visions came to feel unrealistic, maybe even irresponsible at that time of my life.  So, I tucked them away promising them I’d return.  Occasionally, I would come back to them, talk to them, imagine with them.  But those moments were fleeting.  If I told one of them I honestly thought I could bring them to life (like Pinocchio becoming a real boy), somewhere deep inside me, my truth knew I was lying.  It just wasn’t the time.  It just wasn’t the place.  There just wasn’t enough money.  It was just too risky.  Someone else needed or deserved it more.  Like the number of stars in the skies, my excuses were many.   My yearnings, ideas and visions became things I tried to control and suppress.  When they surfaced up in my heart or in my mind as though they were suffocating and searching for air, I quickly put them back away.   I forced them down, somewhere, so they didn’t distract me.  What started as “time outs” became putting them in a prison with each excuse like a new iron bar, trapping them, extinguishing their light. 

My heart went on to experience other, different unexpected and unplanned moments of happiness; having my children, raising them, watching them grow and find and become their own selves.  And I also experienced tragedy: pain that permanently altered my perspective.  I grew to experience fulfillment: second and third chances; new and renewed relationships, good fortune to share with loved ones.  I even found God.  He wasn’t on the corner of First and Amistad but I did find Him.  Game changer for sure.  (Turns out He was there all along, just waiting for me to realize it.  That must have been exhausting, even for an Alpha/Omega).  My ever-evolving relationship with Him brought even more unexpected and unplanned moments of happiness.  But, He brought another thing…this nagging, constant reminder that there was something else living down in the dark recesses of my heart that was begging to come out. 

You see, even in the busy space of the “other” moments, I realized with growing awareness that I deeply missed my yearnings, ideas and visions.  Could they still be alive?  Had the plug been pulled just a little too long?  No, they were there.  I felt them stirring.  They had never left….as though they existed long before me, and will exist long after me.  There is something transcendent and special about them.

Proverbs 19:21 says “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is The Lord’s purpose that prevails”. 

These yearnings, ideas and visions…. maybe they are not just my invention.  Perhaps, as scripture says, they were part of the design of my life.    What would it look like if I stopped trying to deny them, and started letting them out?  Enabling and empowering THEM.  What could my God do with a willing heart?  My friends, we’re about to find out.

I’m taking steps. Terrifying, scary, exciting steps.  I don’t know where they will lead, but I’m willing to place my tiny little mustard seed of faith in a God that has proven Himself to be trustworthy.  While no specific outcome is promised…there is a promise that He will be with me.  And I’m totally down for some 1:1 time going through this discovery with Him. 

So, this little light of mine…. I’m GONNA let it shine.  What if I fail…. but what if I never try?   Starting a online boutique might sound silly to some…but for me, it’s just one of the many yearnings, ideas and visions I’ve had for a ridiculously long time.  Turns out God loves boutiques, too!  Maybe, just maybe that’s how He’s gonna show His power in my life.  So, I’m doing it.  Toe is officially dipped, and ladies the water feels delightful.  Stay with me to see where this goes!  I promise to share the experiences with you: the good, the bad and the blissful. 

Start making discovering YOUR BLISS a priority. You’re not alone…. we’re in this together!  Let’s go!

#boutiqueboss #entrepreneurmama #blissedoutboutique #blazingtrails #thislittlelightofmine