There's no Bliss in Fear

There are many things that hold us back from experiencing the happiness that God designed and desires for us.  For me, fear has always been one of the biggest of these things.  Fear of doing the wrong thing, making the wrong choice, turning out to be the wrong person, hurting when I meant to help.  So many things.  Fear has been a constant uninvited companion most of my life.  I see now not that it just held me back, often it held me hostage.  In the drivers seat, fear made my decisions and fear stole my joy.  But...it may have won some battles, but it will not win the war.  

For the last few years, I spent a lot of time feeling terrified.  Consumed with fear.  Bliss was the farthest thing from my mind.  I was 100% focused on saving my daughter.  My little girl whom I loved with my whole heart was in a dark and very bad place.  Heartbroken, young, confused, hurting.  She had trusted the wrong people and had rebelled against the ones who loved her the most.  I had spent a few years watching her decline emotionally; become lost as she tried to find her identity, and become vulnerable to those that would hurt her.  About 18 months ago, she found herself in a profound moment of pain. 

I felt helpless.  She was ensnared in a trap and instead of seeing me, her mother, as her rescuer, she saw ME as her enemy.   It seemed my words alone, no matter how selective or seasoned, gentle or graceful drove her away and toward “him”, the bad guy, the real enemy.  I couldn’t save her.  I couldn’t even reach her.  My lifelines, my rescue missions…. all my efforts to reach her came back empty, fruitless.  I felt deeply afraid and an inescapable sense of failure as her mother.  It was, the worst of times.

I laid on my bed a cried.  Like ugly cried.  Paul describes the Holy Spirit’s role in Romans as going before the Lord on our behalf with groans too deep for words.  Yup that was me.  A groaning ugly sobbing snot bubbled mess.  There was no bliss in Mud-Ville, the Mighty Mother had struck out.

What I didn’t realize at that moment was that the Holy Spirit WAS at work, right then and there, interceding on my behalf and translating my groans into words I simply couldn’t find.  As I lay there, every blood vessel in my face dilated, my vision blurry from puffy eyes, I heard it.  I heard Him.  As clear as if someone hit mute on all other sounds, including those in my head and all I could hear was “Do you trust me”?  I heard it repeatedly; over and over and over again.  Four simple words:

Do-You-Trust-Me?

And there I was: laid out bare before the Lord, my God.  The ONE I have professed to believe in.  The ONE I’ve proclaimed to place my faith in, to teach about, to follow.  I was right there before Him, sad, angry, helpless with what I imagine was a look of shock and awe on my face to realize my answer was not quite as simple and took even me by surprise.  My answer was something like “Well, apparently not! I mean No…er um, well, I want to, but I don’t know how”.   And that was the truth. I wanted to trust Him.  I desperately wanted to.  I had learned long ago that in Him there was freedom from fear, every fear.  That if we simply lay down our fears and anxieties before Him in prayer and thanksgiving that He somehow miraculously provides us with HIS peace…. peace so big it transcends our understanding. 

My head knew that was true, but my heart was far from believing that truth applied in this moment. 

You see, I had been trying for a long time to rescue her MY way and in MY time. I assigned the blame for her pain to me, and I could find no rest, peace or happiness in that.    Like a road raged maniac, I was chasing after her, setting up traps, blowing past caution lights, running through red lights, doing everything I could to keep up with her as though her seeing me do so would slow her down.  In my efforts to get in front of, around and behind anything that could cause her pain, I had not only blocked God from her path, I had reached all new heights of exhaustion and frustration.  The truth was that the only thing to slow her down or bring her to a stop was to crash.  Well crash she did, and she was hurting. My heart was broken.

 And here is what God taught me in that moment: 

1.       I am not Him.  God is God.  I am not.  

2.       He is bigger, strong, more powerful, present and wiser than I will ever be.

3.       He loves her even more than I do.  She actually belongs to HIM!

4.       He needed me to get out of his way

5.       He wanted me to learn to place my faith in Him, not myself (who knew I was THIS self-reliant?!

Easy right?  No!  NOT EASY!  God was asking me to stop my car and let her go.  What if she didn’t come back?  What if she died?  These were not answers He gave me.  But he did assure my heart that He had her in a comprehensive way that I simply could not and did not.   

As I let this truth permeate my brain, it slowly dripped right on down into my heart and I started to feel it.  I knew what I had to do.  With strength, not of my own self, I approached my girl with one message and one message only:  I love you.  You are my precious angel and I love you.  No matter what, I love you.  No matter who, what, when, where, success, failure, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS: I love you.

And healing started, not in her but in me.  As though MY car was the one that had crashed and there was a master physician tending to me and mending me daily, putting me back together piece by piece.  And my heart started to feel happiness again.  I wasn’t faking anymore when I smiled.  I cried tears of joy instead of pain.  I laughed for real.    Then this: I won’t say it happened immediately, but it did happen:  SHE CAME BACK.  

Since that time 2 distinct moments where I experienced REAL BLISS.  (Bliss defined as happiness so complete you are transported away from everything else).

1. On her 18^th birthday, she asked me to sing her to sleep with the lullaby she remembered me singing to her as a baby.  Tears, snuggles and more tears…a moment I will never forget.
2.  When I told her I had finally decided to start this business and she said “I’m so proud of you Mommy”.  Gaw!  Blissful tears

And with each step I take toward God, toward His calling, toward His freedom in my life, I am reminded that there is NO BLISS IN FEAR! 

Ladies, I encourage you to bring your fears to the Lord:  just you and Him.  Mono y mono.  Talk them out with HIM.  Ask HIM to show YOU just where and how you are afraid to trust in HIS will, work or provision in your circumstance.  And then… take your foot off the gas, take your hands off the wheel and open your heart to experience the awesomeness of a God that loves you more intimately and completely than you can possibly know. 

Be Blissed and Blessed.

Your friend,

Darcy