12 years ago when the painful decision of divorce was made, I had no idea the roller coaster that lie ahead. I was a young emotional mother of 2 very little ones. I was certain of very little, other than my staunch dedication to my babies. I was prepared to do ANYTHING to give those two kids the very best life possible. I would love them with everything I was. I would work tirelessly to see that they had all they needed to grow into strong, loving, capable people. I would equip them with whatever they needed to have the opportunity to be the best versions of themselves that they could be. I was a bubbly fun young lady, bu when it came to being a mother, I was a fierce mama bear ready to take on the world to raise them well and protect them from danger.
The good news was, I was naïve enough to think I knew it all. The bad news was, I was naïve enough to think I knew it all. The truth was, I had no idea what was in store for me and life as it so often does, proceeded to have its way with me. Looking back now, I’m grateful for the ways God allowed my pride and my white knuckled grip over my independence and autonomy to be broken….but my gosh, you couldn’t pay me to go back and live those lessons all over.
I didn’t know then that I would feel so overwhelmed by every little and big decision required in the day to day of raising children. I didn’t know the pain I would feel when my kids weren’t with me and were celebrating events or traveling, even to other countries without me, their mother, right there with them. I didn’t know how scary junior high orientation and first days of high school would be. I didn’t know how ashamed and insecure I would feel that my kids were part of the dreaded divorce statistic when I socialized with other school mothers who seemed to have it all together and who did it all “right”. I didn’t know then the countless sleepless nights and floods of tears that would flow when my daughter rebelled hard against anything good in life. I didn’t know then that I would make mistakes myself and experience the torture and heartbreak of wondering how badly my mistakes would mess up my children. I didn't know the thrill that awaited of watching my daughter overcome her hardships and stand on stage and perform to the applause of hundreds of people or how proud I would be at her high school graduation. I didn’t know that my kids, no matter how much I spoke into their lives, how passionately I loved them were still their own people and had their own wills and would grow up to make their own choices….even bad ones. I didn’t know how terrified and helpless I would feel in the emergency room afraid for my sons life.
I didn't know it was her hand I would reach for in all of those moments or that it would be her hand to feel so powerfully soothing.
I didn’t know that "she" was a one of God's most powerful provisions in my life.
She, the woman society will tell you is the “enemy”…a threat that should be neither trusted or embraced. But why? Why must this person automatically be categorized negatively? Why must we label and create images of our ex or their partners in a negative way? My immediate thought (excluding experiences of abuse or other extenuating painful circumstances) is that we must make them bad for us to be good. It’s the unfortunate framework many of us choose…we cast judgement on them to feel better about ourselves. I mean I don’t but I know ya’ll do, right?
Wait, yes I do. And so do you. And we should stop that shit. There is a lot of good that God desires to work through our fallen, broken situations.
When I sat watching my baby girl take her final senior bow at her final high school theater performance and emotion took over, I grabbed her hand. We held hands as tears streamed down our both our faces as pride and happiness and sadness and joy….as it all consumed our hearts staring at this beautiful bright brilliant soul staring back at us. The girl who came back to us…who came back to life, and who now faces a bright future chuck full of opportunity. All.The.Feels.
I reached for her hand because she’s been there nearly the whole time. Because she too knows and feels a mothers love for my children and she too knows and feels a mothers worry over them. She has watched them grow. She has been at the choir concerts, soccer games, football games, theatre performances. She’s helped get ready for homecomings and proms. She’s been there. She’s cared. She worries, plans and does…She loves. She’s felt insecure and overwhelmed. She knows. She knows what I know. She feels what I feel. She wants what I want…for them.
I grabbed her hand. And she grabbed mine.
Fast forward to the moment I decided to take this leap of faith into starting a small business. I cannot even tell you how consistently and powerfully this woman has encouraged me. She sends me random texts of support. She’s shared resources, ideas, feedback. As if being a trusted dependable and valued co-parent wasn’t enough, she has become a confidant, cheerleader and adviser.
This plaque she gave me sits on my mantle, reminding me daily of a powerful truth.
I didn’t plan for her, I didn’t expect her, and there was a time I feared her. Now, I’m just blissfully grateful she is here. I love this "she". She is my forever friend, my forever family. "She" is one of the many reasons I am taking this scary step of faith with this business.
Thank you, Renee. I'm so grateful you are my "she".
“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”
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